If you work, or have ever worked in an office environment, you may well have met Janet.

This post pays tribute to the woman who manages to surprise me daily. She crosses boundaries and far exceeds the expectations of those around her from one day to the next.  She is, without a doubt, unrivaled, absolutely and stupendously THE most negative human being I have ever met.

Everybody knows somebody like this, but if you work in a cubicle then I feel like the chances of you having met her would be far higher.

That one person in the room who can turn any anecdote into a puppy’s funeral; If you’ve done it, she’s done it too, but she probably did it with a purple crocodile who spoke Italian but ironically wore a beret and a joke mustache; Did somebody order a sudden and unnecessary mood swing? She’s here to serve it up to you on a platter of exaggerated sighs, groans and complaints.

For confidentiality purposes, I have entitled this post ‘Shit JANET Says…’, because I don’t think it would be fair to name names here.  And of course, there’s always the slim chance that Amanda from my office stumbles across my blog someday and recognises her own pompous personality, so I won’t divulge her true identity anywhere in this post…

I have spent the last few weeks collecting the daily moans and word vomits of my constantly disgruntled colleague, to document here, for your displeasure.  Please, don’t enjoy this.  Your pleasure would be downright offensive.

For utmost authenticity, please suck your chin inwards and upwards whilst poking out your bottom lip and downturn the corners of your mouth when reading Janet’s lines.  Ensure that they are phrased with an air of distaste, your nose in the air and an exaggerated well-spoken snootiness in your voice – a little like Hyacinth Bouquet, but with a far more irritating nasal-ness and a Kiwi accent.

Let’s begin.

1. The day somebody sent her an amendment to a document

JANET: (almost tearful) It’s VILE! Just absolutely VILE!

A little extreme.

2. The day I had a bunch of perfectly ripe bananas

JANET: (from the other side of the room) I don’t mean to be rude but those bananas smell absolutely AWFUL!

Hmmm, nobody else seems too worried about the smell of your daily spicy burrito.

3. Every day, when passers-by try to walk through a door near our office

JANET: (with venom) You can’t get THROUGH that door, you have to go AROUND… I tell them EVERY day!

MANAGER: What, the same people?

JANET: No, different people every day.  I can’t believe how STUPID they are!

Of course, why would a total stranger that was here 24 hours ago NOT have left an advisory note for the next person in order to avoid your wrath, good job you’re here to hold these innocent members of the public accountable, good on ya, Janet!

4. The day somebody was late to a meeting

JANET: (After loudly sighing six times at her computer screen and getting no response from the room) Eugh, don’t you just hate it when people turn up near the end of a meeting and apologise – well you SHOULD have made more EFFORT, it’s NOT good enough!

Well, I for one am disgusted Janet, I cannot believe for one minute that the Doctors and Nurses in the hospital would DARE to tend to priorities such as heart surgery over your meeting about the cafeteria menu…

5. The day somebody else had a bad day

JANET: (In response to another colleague’s story of a bad day) Well, that would EVEN give ME the shits!

Righto, because you’re such a beacon of tolerance, it would be unusual to rile you…

6. The day somebody didn’t know who she was

JANET: (slamming down the phone) Honestly, the amount of time I spend speaking to that girl you would think that she would recognise my voice.  I have a relatively distinctive voice.  I actually don’t even think she cares who’s calling, which she should, because it’s not like I am JUST one of HER colleagues.

Yes Janet… that voice… And of course, you’re far more important than just one of HER inferior colleagues, she should not only recognise you, but pray to you.

7. The day she had a terrible headache

JANET: (After sitting at her computer with sunglasses on for over 3 hours of a Tuesday morning and receiving zero interest in her motives) Does anybody mind if we switch the lights off? Encase you hadn’t NOTICED I have a TERRIBLE headache.

Not at all, do you mind if we continue to offer no concern for your melodramatic outbursts?

8. The day the fly got in

JANET: (Completely serious, and genuinely annoyed) How the hell would a fly even get IN HERE?

MANAGER: (Laughing, and assuming this was a joke) Maybe through the wide open window?

JANET: (With venom, confirming her seriousness, and distaste at the suggestion) Yes, well, I think that’s HIGHLY unlikely!

Ahem… Dare I ask?

9. The day the printer ran out of paper

JANET: (At the sound off the printer occasionally beeping) Wow, that beep is annoying… (45 seconds later) Is that beep annoying anybody else… (one whole minute later) Yeah, so that’s getting pretty annoying now, right?

Nowhere near as annoying as your running commentary buddy!

10. The day somebody said something she disagreed with

JANET: Is she South African? Oh, well that explains a lot, like A LOT, a lot.

I don’t even need to caption this one…

11. The day a patient made a complaint about the food

JANET: So, let me get this straight.  The patient can’t eat fibre since their recent operation but they chose to eat broccoli with their meal and wondered why they got sick?? Well (Snort), that was PRETTY STUPID of them, why would you CHOOSE to eat broccoli when you have been told you have fibre issues?!

Hmmm, well, speaking as a normal, sane human being, who does not have a background in nutritional education, and working on the assumption that this patient also does not have a degree in greens… why on Gods green fucking earth would you expect them to know that, unless a medical professional has told them?! Who looks at a green vegetable and thinks “better double check that’s safe to eat”?? How can you possibly find yet more fault in the world for them eating a HEALTHY VEGETABLE?!

See,  now I’m miserable too!

CHEER THE HELL UP JANET! You’re stressing me out…

Anyway, that’s enough of me complaining about somebody complaining.

Do your colleagues brighten your day as much as mine?