It is part of our company policy here at Katy’s Brain Inc. to conduct an annual review of all friendships in our database.
During this year’s review, your friendship was selected to undergo an audit of emotional worth. During this audit, it has come to our attention that you are currently not, and for the most part, have not been fulfilling the basic requirements of your friendship with our company.
Although a formal contract was never signed, the terms of the contract were assumed clear, and your friendship was chosen, initially, based on its value to us as a mutually beneficial relationship and also, simply, because we liked you.
It has become very clear to us that your relationship with our company is on a solely selfish basis and that our company is usually only contacted when you are feeling sad, lonely or in need of a temporary partner for your chosen activities. Vice versa, however, it does not seem that you are available to support Katy’s Brain Inc. in our time of emotional need, and it is clear that you actively avoid any contact with Katy’s Brain Inc. unless it directly benefits you, emotionally or otherwise.
Since you have been unable to meet the basic minimum requirements of our friendship, it is with great regret that we inform you that you have left us with no choice but to revoke your privileges and your status with the company will be amended from ‘Friend’ to mere ‘Acquaintance’ with immediate effect.
The service you receive from our company may initially seem very similar to the service you received as a Friend, because it is not our company’s policy to treat our associates with negativity, but you will likely notice over time that our interest in your life and its trials and tribulations will deteriorate and we will no longer perform the expected duties at your every beck and call, as we have tirelessly provided over the course of the friendship so far and that you have, no doubt, grown very used to. That said, it is likely, that in your hour of need, we will still be available to you, due to force of habit and good nature, but you may notice that the hours of availability for this service will be greatly reduced.
If any future contact is required between yourself and our company, it will be initiated by you and not by Katy’s Brain Inc. as we are no longer bound to you by any emotional ties.
If you wish to contest this decision, you are welcome to do so and may be lucky enough, following extensive review, to be promoted back to a status of ‘Friend’, with the appropriate amount of grovelling and apology (chocolates, flowers etc. accepted), though empty promises will not be tolerated and, once identified, will be treated with immediate revocation of all contact.
Otherwise, we would like to wish you all the best in your future endeavours and hope that you are able to find a suitable replacement friendship with an alternative company, and that their terms are more suitable to your needs and behaviour.
Katy’s Brain Inc.
Your Once Loyal Friendship Provider